1. Arrive in Singapore to a Facebook invitation to meet in Raffles for a drink. Attempt to talk yourself out of something so obviously overpriced but give in because this is the last time you’ll see some of these people, even if they will be showing you up in Vietnamese tailored suits and pretty dresses.
2. Realise you haven’t done any laundry in a while and die of shock at the price of laundry in your hostel (and most likely the whole city)
3. Analyse your least dirty, least wrinkled clothing for what might pass as acceptable. Hint: maxi skirt probably better than hot pants.
4. Give thanks to whatever weird biological quirk gave you feet that don’t agree with flip flops. Yes, your strappy sandals may be falling apart, but at least from a distance they look smarter than havaianas.
5. Dig out the make up that you thought would be a good idea to bring but you’ve actually only worn about 3 times in the last 5 months.
6. Ditto dangly earrings. Hey, the more attention you draw towards your face means the more drawn away from your clothes right?
7. Stop at a hawker centre for sloppy noodles on the way out and splash soy sauce on your shirt. Pray fervently that no one notices.
8. Leave hawker centre to realise that no, no one will notice anything because a torrential downpour has started while you were waiting and you don’t have an umbrella.
9. Almost give up, then decide that hey, rich people still get wet right?
10. Shoulders high, head back, walk in like you own the damn place. Playing up your posh home counties accent can’t hurt either.
11. Try not to sob when you see the drinks prices. It sort of spoils the ‘I belong here’ vibe
12. Look around you at all the tourists in shorts and bumbags throwing peanut shells on the floor and realise that none of the above was remotely necessary. Consider going to the dress-coded Altitude bar afterwards, then remember the drinks prices and decide that one is probably enough.
13. Enjoy your solitary Singapore Sling as slowly as possible. Wince as they add tax to the already astonishing price at the till. Vow not to spend any more money for the next three days.